I dont know anymore

Heylo

I'm not sure on how i'm feeling .. Basically i feel anxious, maybe? I just feel worried of bunch of stuffs. I feel guilty for no certain reason as well. But most of all, i'm afraid. Somehow. It's like there's this ball of fear inside of me which rolls from the top to the bottom and makes me feel every detail of the fear from every part of my body. 

Could this be anxiety? Could this be some kind of mental disorder? Could this be a sign of something? Or could this be love? Nah i dont know. I dont know. I could say that for a million times easily.

00.00

Heyloo

tadaa it's 00.00 - sunday, 17 august 2014. The 69th birthday of indonesia a.k.a the independence day of indonesia. I am not actually going to post something about today's special day. I'm going to post something different instead.

My sisters are one of my greatest inspiration on decisions i made. They are my moodbooster on every bad times i had. I must confess, i've been dealing with someone i really really do love -not my sisters - and someone who i always put in my prayers. But i, i did a mistake, well she did too, but somehow i know she always wanted to be the rightest person of all.

Considering my answers in all of our arguments, she deserves to be mad. But considering the way she talks to me on every different or same questions i ask, i deserve to express my feeling towards her tone.

It's quite annoying when someone doesnt want to hear your opinion, isnt it? You'd feel useless like you dont even need to be there. Infact, you couldnt even fight back, well because it'll only be shit in their eyes or their ears. They wouldnt give a damn cause they feel theyre the rightest one. And you're just another person who would rather choose to back off. 

i couldnt understand why she cant accept the truth that she's wrong. It's just a small topic yet it turns into a big arguments. The only problem for her is because i didnt understand the answers she gave on every questions i asked. So i asked more and more same questions in order to make myself understand. But the more i asked, the higher tone she answered. I felt like i was not appreciated and it killed me. i felt like i'm so dumb in her eyes. I felt like a big problem for her and those feelings are not giving you any good effects.

But as i said, i couldnt fight back. I love her so much and i dont want to have any problems between us. 

Ily, mom. 

xx

have you ever..?

heylooo

I was just thinking, have you ever suddenly realized how lonely you are because you have no one to talk with? It's not that i'm feeling that way nor the opposite, i was just thinking. Anyway, i must admit i've been through that part of life. For several times, actually. 

You see, not everyone will be interested to you, am i right? Not all of us are one of those pretty girls. But for me, pretty and beautiful has different meanings. And attractiveness too. Though sometimes pretty wins in most of the time, get it?

In the end, attractiveness will be hard to get. Unless you have pretty face, perfect body, unbelievable amazing hair, slightly rich, and the last but not least; good reputation. Yet have you ever wonder how are the people with the opposite of all of those? The other side.

Back to the first thing i'd like to write. Have you ever feel so lonely because you have no one to talk with? What i meant by 'talk' is; talking about those different stuffs, those beautiful boring topics, or those fun and interesting things- you know - like those kind of things.

Frankly, sometimes i dont need those kind of things (bullshit) (but true, sometimes). We will always have that one moment where we dont have to care about everything. But you know, life's unexpected tho. 

i'm not pretty sure why i wrote what you read, or even this. But that's surely what i was thinking for the moment. 

xx

wondering

heylo! It's nearly 2 o'clock and i'm not a sleep. 

I got a lot of things going on my mind. Somehow new ideas keep on popping up in my head. In a minute i'd like to do this and in a minute i'd like to do that. So many things i want to happen crashing on each other. Though it's still going on on my mind. None of what's swimming in  my head has actually happened. I guess that's why i'd really like for it to happen.

Having thousands of dreams is okay. Infact, it's SUPER ok. But have you ever feel that you just can't help it because none of your dreams has happened and you don't even know when will it happen or even, WILL it happen? I guess another time to wait.

However, dreams will be dreams unless you MAKE it happen. But the word 'make' is not as easy as how the word look like. What's also hard is finding a way to make it happen or even making a plan to make it happen. Depressing, frustrating, and stressing. BUT to reach an aim, you will have to take risks. And for a dream that you really wanted - that i really wanted - risks are sometimes worth it. never give up and always rise whenever you fall, is the only thing i gotta do whenever i fail. You would't be fully success and feel very grateful about it without experiencing failure. Failure is a part of the proccess of your success, am i right?

xx

Entahlah.

Entah. Entah mau sampe kapan.

Bingung. Bingung kenapa selalu begitu.

Capek. Capek banget ngadepin semua.

Dateng lagi deh problema yang sering gue hadapin. After a short phase of happiness in my life, here comes the destroyer. After a time of laughters, here comes the tears. Maybe my 'relaxing time' is going to end. Even my 'relaxing time' is actually  a 'not-so-relaxing-time'. Signs are starting to show; those mean, negative, judgemental looks are coming back. Coming back after a short happy time. 

Ngecoba buat netapin tuh happy face di muka susah wey. Gak gampang. Ngeyakinin orang orang klo kita itu gapapa sama ini itu, itu gak mudah. 

yaudahlah ya namanya juga hidup. Mungkin short phase itu hanya iklan. Semuanya akan kembali seperti seharusnya yang kadang kita gasuka.

ah apaansih sal, lu aja kali yg kegeeran.

xx

Ketika Mami bernostalgia (part 2)

heyloo

haha udah lama banget ya gak ngelanjutin ini?

jadi dengerin cerita mami tentang hubungan 7 tahun nya yg sama papi itu ada lucunya ada anehnya ada indahnya haha. Love in their time are clearly the most romantic kind of love. bisa diliat karna dulu tuh susah lah buat komunikasi satu sama lain. Masih surat suratan cinta gitulah, ngasih bunga yg beneran bunga lah ahaha banyak yang unik pokoknya.

Dulu papi katanya suka nyari nyari kesempatan. haha ya gimana, cowo. Katanya dulu pernah mami lagi duduk di sekitar lapangan bola dan papi yang harusnya main jadinya gak main cuman buat taliin tali sepatu. Dan taliinnya gak selesai selesai. rupanya di sengajain hahahahahah mantap trik nya. Katanya juga dulu mereka sering ke Sarinah (dulu mall paling berkelas) nge date gitu haha lucu.

But one thing that my mom knew that he's the one she'll love forever is because of course nobody sees my dad like how my mom did. Well of course when it comes to love people will see the others differently. and ZAP! they fell in love to each other and they agreed to get married and live their life together forever with me and my sisters.

thank you Allah for giving me the best parents that i could ever have, they've done so much and none of them are useless.

xx

kalau ada bantuan, kenapa engga?

haha udah lumayan lama gak ngepost.

ada beberapa orang yang ngerasa dirinya itu strong enough to face everything. Mau dikasih atau ditawarin, tetep aja dia stay sama pendiriannya sendiri. ada juga orang yang bener bener gamau dibantu. gamau dibantu sama sekali. maunya tuh sendiri. entah alesannya nanti hasilnya gak memuaskan atau gimana pokoknya maunya sendiri. Tapi ada juga jenis orang yg gengsi gitu buat nerima bantuan. satu hal yang gue gangerti adalah: kalo ada bantuan kenapa engga? toh orang yang menawarkan bantuan ith insyaallah ikhlas. Soalnya kan juga klo gak ikhlas ngapain nawarin? 

ada orang yg lg kesakitan dan situasi mereka itu emang lagi butuh bantuan tapi  pas ditawarin dia malah nolak. Alesannya biasanya Gakpapa. aduh plisdeh mbak/mas, lo lagi kesakitan butuh bantuan. Ini gue kasih msih gamau juga?  

Nah tapi, jangan lupa juga bilang "thank you". Penting lho. Bantuan? Ya garus digargain lah. How would you feel when you've done something great to a person but that person doesnt say thank you at all? think about it for a while.

xx