Oh! Darling

     "oh! Darling, please believe me.."

                                     -the beatles-

    

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

                              xx

Night post: i want

heylooo this is salsa reporting from melbourne! yap i'm in melbourne for a program called "student exchange" and it's been great here. Freezing actually, freezing. but now i'm not gonna talk about my trip, cause it's gonna be post when i'm home :)

iyaa jadi sekarang i will talk about what i want lately. these last days i've seen people enjoying their life with the one who care of them and with the one they love. I'm not saying that no one cares about me (i dont really know do people actually care about me, but i guess some of them do). What i'm going to talk about is how people enjoy their life with the ones who care of them, and i really want that for me.

so yeah, seing my friend's best friend called her all the way from indonesia to melbourne via skype made me feel i dont know, it's hard to explain. it's actually nice to see someone that has someone who really care and worried and really wanna know how is she doing. i'm happy for her, because she could have one. But in the other side, i really want to have one too. That's why i said "it's really nice to have a real best friend like that"

i do have one, my mom. But this one's a different case, get it? Haha. So yeah, i dont really have real best friends, i have real friends but not best friends. I used to have one but i dont know what happened it stopped just like that, it was quite hurtful and sad but life goes on. And always remember that the Devil was once an Angel. Exactly. 

but on second thought, i dont really need best friends. Sonetimes i think that wat. You know why? Because i have a bunch of real friends. REAL friends. And they are very nice, very very nice. i'm so glad that i could have one already. 

that's what i really wanna share, i know i havent posted any post that much. I have been so busy on this student exchange program, infact i'm kinda nervous getting into the new environment, school, and situation. It feels awkward. But anyway, life goes on! 

                                              

Seadanya aja.

Sering banget ngeliat orang yang ngeluh sana sini. yang ngebiarin satu hal ngancurin harinya. mungkin klo orang pikir aku gitu kali ya orangnya, tapi aku gatau isi hati orang jadi yasudahlaahh. kali ini mau ngomongin itu. 

Seadanya aja. Do you ever feel everything seems wrong to you? or do you ever feel you seems wrong to everyone? salah kalo kita malah ngeluh sana sini without any effort on avoiding or stoping it. Yang pasti gasuka kan klo ngalamin hal itu? we better try or just let it be and let it flow than speaks a thousand worthless words. 

Ada saatnya dimana kita bakal jatuh dan justru harus bangkit. kayak gitu normal kok, wajar. Mungkin klo 'teenagers' jaman sekarang lebih suka curhat to people they feel comfortable with. ya people are different. ada yang lebih suka sendiri, terbuka, atau mendem. or even forget and move on. 

ternyata kalo pendapat Rae Smith falling apart is actually an opportunity. Ya bener sih. It could be a lesson from God. It could be a warning of how bad you've been. But the choices are in our hands, whether you want to give up or you want to try, again. Gak salah kan klo nyoba lagi? enggak. Doesn't matter if no one notice, like my previous post; they'll notice at the end. even though yes, we wont like it when no one realize you're trying to be better, but don't waste your time on being silent. it's better to start to do something, to change something.

mungkin post ini pasaran banget ya topiknya, tapi kalo dilihat masih banyak yang give up in the middle of their journey. Kita cuman harus nyoba dan ya terima seadanya aja. 

thank you for reading :)

Night Post: craving for attention

everyone needs an attention, am i right? for some people, they cannot live without one. Dan kadang perhatian itu susah di dapet. entah orgnya emg cuek atau orangnya emang gamau ngsh perhatian nya. yang nyesek lagi kalo udah susah payah tapi tetep aja diabaikan. atau klo lo udh nge'kode' tp orgnya gangerti. hmmm, gak semua "nyari perhatian" itu ke cowo. tergantung niat sih sebenernya, bisa aja nge-"caper" atau nge-"kode" ke ortu buat minta sesuatu, ya gak?

Now, there are names for those people who needs attention. They call it "attention seeker" or "caper" in indonesia. ya itu sih buat yg sering nyari perhatian di dpn cowo. Tapi kita semua setuju kalo nyari perhatian ke siapa aja dan tetep gak dikasih tuh yang namanya 'perhatian' itu pasti greget abis.

we fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection

the problem is that some people are too mean to look to give a small attention to those who needs attention. I mean, to the one who really really needs an attention. sampe sampe orang itu bener bener cuek, bener bener gak peduli, bener bener sombong. pada akhirnya, if they are the one who needs attention, no one there will give one. probably, you call it "KARMA"

these kind of things are usual. It happens anywhere, anytime. But not getting enough attentions could gives a great impact. And mostly the impacts are bad, are not good. Well, to know the impacts, see yourself. What happen to you when you're not getting enough attention? me, i overthink. I hoped. I wished. I pray. I cry at night. And somehow, my brain keeps working, keeps thinking. and at the end i realized it's not worth it. 

Sebenernya gak apa apa kalo kita gak dapet perhatian yang banyak. Bagusnya, kita bisa lebih fokus sama diri kita sendiri, dan sama tujuan kita. Liat aja entar kalo kita berhasil, eveyone will finally gives you their attention. 

Night Post: Kenapa harus dengki?

Kita semua pasti pernahlah ngerasain satu kata yang dalem banget, a.k.a "Dengki". Dengki, dari katanya aja udah keliatan serem. bagiku kesannya dalem. I did a research and i found out that Dengki itu berharap hilangnya kenikmatan dari orang lain. Ngeri ya? Kalo udah ditanem dihati, that's a dangerous thing. Itu kayak penyakit. Once it stucks there in your heart, it will be hard to take it off. Kita juga bakal kebiasaan lama2. Kita bakal ngebiarin penyakit itu tumbuh aja di dalem diri kita. We'll be a monster if we let it grow inside.

Dengki gak akan pernah ngebawa yang namanya kebaikan. yang ada juga saling benci, fitnah, and other bad things. can you imagine how the world would be if people hates each other? gaada deh yang namanya persatuan. gaada yang namanya respecting. gaada yang namanya appreciating. none. Dengki juga ya ngebikin kita ngetreat people differently. Read my previous post about treating people differently. Gaenak kan diperlakuin atau dihadepin berbeda dengan yang lain? bayangin kalo si A baik ke si B, senyum ke si C, nyaut ke si D, dan nanggepin si E tp gak ke kamu. gak nyaut ke kamu. mungkin ngobrol tapi gak sama atau gak seceria ke si B,C,D atau E. rasanya semua yang ada di dalam tubuh itu lemes. bisa dibilang mati rasa. lemes langsung gitu. Dengki juga ngebawa egoism. Berhubungan sama yang tadi. Kita bertingkah tanpa tau dampaknya ke yang lain, ke yang tersinggung atau tersindir. Misalnya kita mau mengingatkan dengan cara menyindir. Oke, nyindir ada baiknya. Semua bisa dapet pelajaran.

Tapi apa rasa orang yang disindir? ya itu langsung lemes. Itu semua ngebikin kita ngerasa sendiri, ngerasa left, ngerasa diabaikan, ngerasa kayak sebatang kertas yang terbang terbang di udara, trs nempel di jalanan, kelindes mobil atau kecampur ama sampah. rasanya pengen nangis tapi malu karena udah gede. pengen nangis, pengen teriak. Tapi ya jadinya cuman diem karena kita gabisa tiba tiba kayak gitu di depan umum. Smiling outside, screaming inside.

Dan kadang, ketika lagi ngerasain tuh yang namanya itu semua kita cuman bisa diem dan nerima. cuman bisa let it flow and let it be, ya emang kita cuman harus terima apa adanya. kita cuman bisa...

From all of these, i can see and realize that the people you think are the nicest can actually be the meanest. Yang jelas, kita gak tau isi hati orang. kita gak tahu isi hati orang yan paling dalem. Kita gak tahu apa mereka dengki ama kita atau gimana. Mangkanya, i realized that we also have to be careful on everything, on what we do, or even on being ourselves.

maksud aku baik kok, hanya berbicara saja.
night everyone :)

Treated Differently

Pernah gak sih di perlakukan berbeda? dont you feel unfair when you are treated that way? 

aku pernah denger quote;

"When you do something noble no one sees you, but when you do something harmful everyone turns their faces on you"

itu emang bener. Sometimes, people ngeperlakuin kita dengan cara yang berbeda dari yang lain hanya karena satu masalah. Aku bingung kenapa, apa karena people feel hard on moving on? on forgiving? on forgetting? i mean, masa lalu ya masa lalu kan? kita hanya bisa kembali kalau ada mesinnya. Unfortunately, there is no time machine so we obviously cant. Sometimes, people cuman bisa ngeliat dan langsung ngenilai kita dari kesalahan yang kita bikin. Dan kadang mereka gabisa ngeliat kebaikan seseorang disisi lain. what's going on to their eyes? whats going on to their mindset? dan dengan sekejap mereka ninggalin kita begitu aja. Only the good ones will stay. will stay and gives you another chance. because they trust you. tapi, kita juga harus bisa ngebangun kepercayaan satu sama lain. we gotta be a trustworthy kind of person. Karena kepercayaan itu sekarang susah untuk didapatkan. Kalau kepercayaan itu dijual, harganya pasti bikin mangap. It must be super expensive. But you know, hidup itu emang gak sepenuhnya bakal mudah. Pasti kita pernahlah ngerasain yang namanya seperti itu. 

"I dont like being treated differently by someone who claims to care.."

You cannot let one problem ruins a friendship. and that is why you cannot let one problem makes you act differently to a person. because if you wanna be a good person then be fair. and that is not a fair thing. Kalau dilihat kan aneh when you smile and laugh and treat the person A nicely, but different with the person B. Besides, kita juga gak bisa dengki selamanya. But if we act nice but we actually hate that person is also wrong. That's the same thing as faking. I suggest, kita lebih baik ngelurusin masalah. Masalah juga jangan dibiarin begitu aja. Masalah yang gak diselesein dari awal bakal ngehantuin hidup kita. Do you wanna die with unsolved problems? do you? obviously not. so yea, harus dong menyelesaikan masalah. Lagipula menyelesaikan masalah gives good and positive impacts to the people around. No more hates, dislikes, faking or awkward situations and things like that.

I am sure that God has unexpected plans for us. And those plans are the best.

Night post: In black and white

It's beautiful, isn't it? somehow, when you look at it there are so many stories that come up in your mind. Somehow. Maybe that's because a photograph can tell you so much. Because a photograph tells UNexplainable feelings, stories, or even mysteries. This photograph shows love, loyal, caring and i don't know what do you think? it tells so many things. I am honestly touched after seeing this photograph. It reminds me of my parents. especially my dad. Well, like i said a photograph can tell so much. Even we can made up our own story after seeing a photograph

What came up in my mind when i saw this was, it is just so damn beautiful. Look how big the lion is. And when they lower their heads to each other, it's very loyal. If i was asked to make a dialogue between this lion and lioness it would probably be

"I'll be back soon, give no worry, i'll be back, hold your tears, i'll be back. i will never forget about you, all the great times we had and all the memories. i'll be back. You will always be in my mind, in my heart. i'll be back." -lion

"And i'll wait, even though i hate to watch you fading away, even though i hate to wake up and realizing you're not there, even though i hate to know that i must wait, and even though i hate to spend my days alone, here without you. but i'll wait. i'll wait for you. because i know you will come back. i'll wait" -lioness

"goodbye" -lion

"goodbye" -lioness

cliche, i know. But "goodbye" is the first thing that came up in my mind. Sad. Well, whenever you start a "Hi" there would be a "goodbye". and that always happen. always. That's the cycle of social life. That's what happen all the time. Maybe you're saying hello to people now but you don't know that the others are probably saying goodbye. and maybe when you're saying goodbye to people the others are saying hello. That is actually fair. That is fairness. Your life is fair. Everything's fair. God is fair.

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.” 

―Tim McGraw

goodnight everyone, forget yesterday and be ready for tomorrow.

seek life a little bit closer

life needs an inspiration. You need an inspiration to live. You need an inspiration to be you. And you will need to find it. Catch it and stick it in your mind.

Life needs a motivator. You need a motivator. Could be someone. Someone who always reminds you of the purpose of life. Of your goal. Someone who could help you reach your dreams. It could be you.  You could be that 'someone' to yourself.

Life needs an alarm. An alarm to wake you up. To wake you up to start your life. To wake you up to start a new page. To wake you up to enjoy today. To wake you up to seek something new, to try something new, to explore something you have never explore before.

Life needs a chance. A chance to live. A chance to love. A chance to enjoy. A chance to laugh. But that chance will only happen if God allow it to happen. And it will only happen if you want it to happen. If you work hard for that once in a life time chance. And there are a lots of choices of closed doors of chances that are waiting to be opened by you. You just gotta open one and step in. And if God allows, you can open even more.

Life needs love. You need love. Everyone need love. Everyone wants to be loved. Live is a natural feeling. Love is a natural thing. We experienced it. Whether it's real or not but yeah we experienced it. And you cant deny love. You cant lie to tour own feelings. You cant lie to tour own heart. You cant lie to yourself. But dont be afraid of love, loving or to be loved. It's not scary. It wont be complicated if you dont make it complicated, if you just enjoy and take it easy. to love you'll need to accept and face the flaws. You'll need to pass what will or should happen. And remember, they say "it is all God's will." Love is not hard to find. It's there in front of you, in front of your eyes. If you cant see it, if you cant feel it. Then you're not ready for it. Then you're still afraid of it.
Why do you need love in your life? maybe you're asking why is it that important? Well this is why

percaya?

Susah ya bikin orang percaya kalo kesalahan kita itu gak sepenuhnya gara2 kita. Kepercayaan itu gampang disebut tp susah digapai. dan kesalahan itu gampang di lakukan susah ditutupi. bingung aja sama orang yang menilai dari kesalahan kesalahan atau dari sisi negatif seseorang. I mean why not spare a time to see the person's kindness? The other side that no one knows? the other side that you never see? because there are another great thing beyond mistake.

bingung juga cara ngebikin orang percaya klo itu bukan kesalahan kita. susah bikin orang percaya klo kita justru ngecoba untuk menghindari yang buruk. kadang waktu juga gak mendukung. But i dont want to blame the time. karena waktu emang akan terjadi dan berlalu no matter what. i've been asking my self, what is happening to me? kenapa semua ini terjadi? why does everything i do turns bad? Kenapa aku? Why am i the one who is chosen for this? 

Questions are questions until it has its answer. dan aku belum menemukan jawaban yang paling tepat. only thr words; "everything happen for a reason" then what is the reason? "that is God's will".

I cant fight God's will. what has happened has happened. And what will happen will happen. I just got to wait and enjoy. Because God's decisions are the best. I know that this will pass. I k ow that this wont last. I know that this would end. Tapi rasa yang aku rasain itu rasanya bikin menderita dan bikin kalau keliatannya ini bakal lama. Dan bakal diingat orang. secara, aku gamau. Aku gamau ngerasain kesalahan yang gak disengaja. A mistake that i have never intented to do it. aku masih muda,aku tau. Bisa dibilang masih kecil. But as time goes by i'm growing up and i'm starting to know whch one's wrong or which one's right. dan aku tau itu salah. that is why i have no intent to do it.

Buat apa aku ngelakuin yang buruk untuk aku juga? Aku ngerti. I get it. I'm starting to realize things. But people are the one who cannot see it. Who doesnt realize it. jadi kalau ditanya mana yang salah? yang mana?

Sometimes i dont really give a damn on what people think. God is the only one who knows the truth. but the feeling i have now is killing me.

if i have an ocean of my own, i am drowning inside it.

Night post: No title.

it's been a while isnt it? It's been a while since my last post. It's been a while in my life too. It's been a while since i got nothing to worry about. The problem is now i have so many things to be worry. I dont wish to be a kid. I dont wish to be a kid who doesnt give a damn on things. I dont want to. But it's been a while since i got nothing to worry about.

i'm worry of my parents. Worry of my sisters. Worry of my family, friends, or even teachers. But mostly, Worry about myself. I'm worry about how i am now. I'm worry that people dont like it. I'm worry that teachers will talk about me. I'm worry that my parents will be worry about me. i'm worry about myself. About me. Myself.

I dont want to make people burdened by me. But i dont want to make people feel pity of me. no, i'm not an attention seeker. I dont ask for attentions. in fact, i dont know what i want to ask for. I guess all i want from God is a glory life and die in a good way.

i'm trying to be grateful. I am grateful for everything i have. cause i know people of the half of this world are not having what i am having right now. i try to be respectful. i really am trying. I just hope that people undertand and realize that i am actually trying to respect them, that i am actually respecting them. Whether it is with my way or the way that they used to see. I try to be nice. I try to smile and hold my anger. i'm not angry. To the world nor people. No i'm not. i dont want to be angry anymore, it's tiring. It will only sucks your energy on bullshits. I try to be better, obviously. But the most important point is that i am trying to make it all happen. I am trying so hard to make that happen, to make people realize, to make people see. but i guess it wont be like how i expected. it's not easy. People has different perspective and i get that.
It's hard but not impossible.

Admit it, Accepting and facing what's around you is hard. it keeps you thinking. It keeps me thinking. It keeps me wondering before i go to sleep. It keeps me wide awake to figure out solutions. It makes me feel guilty of what i did. it makes me feel afraid that one move i make could ruin everything. Maybe i am that clumsy. But i dont want to be clumsy. nothing's perfect, nobody's perfect. But is it wrong to try to be almost perfect? I dont think it's wrong. And again, It's just hard but not impossible.

i dont want to have problems with people or even myself in my life. I'm sure that's possible. I want my problems to be straight. To be solved. Not unsolved. And again, it's just hard but not impossible.

i always forgive people every night. i always try to. all i hope is that people will Also forgive me. forgive all my mistakes and put a side the bad memos with me and replace it with a beautiful one. I remember my mom keeps reminding me of "whenever people di bad things for you, ignore them and always reply them with kindness and never stop helping or do good things with them"
and again it's just hard but not impossible.

am i afraid? i dont know. I'm still wondering. Mmm you tell me. but wait, i dont think so. i'm strong. I know i am. i mean i am. yes, yes i am strong. And i will always be.

And again, it's just hard but not impossible.