I dont know anymore

Heylo

I'm not sure on how i'm feeling .. Basically i feel anxious, maybe? I just feel worried of bunch of stuffs. I feel guilty for no certain reason as well. But most of all, i'm afraid. Somehow. It's like there's this ball of fear inside of me which rolls from the top to the bottom and makes me feel every detail of the fear from every part of my body. 

Could this be anxiety? Could this be some kind of mental disorder? Could this be a sign of something? Or could this be love? Nah i dont know. I dont know. I could say that for a million times easily.

00.00

Heyloo

tadaa it's 00.00 - sunday, 17 august 2014. The 69th birthday of indonesia a.k.a the independence day of indonesia. I am not actually going to post something about today's special day. I'm going to post something different instead.

My sisters are one of my greatest inspiration on decisions i made. They are my moodbooster on every bad times i had. I must confess, i've been dealing with someone i really really do love -not my sisters - and someone who i always put in my prayers. But i, i did a mistake, well she did too, but somehow i know she always wanted to be the rightest person of all.

Considering my answers in all of our arguments, she deserves to be mad. But considering the way she talks to me on every different or same questions i ask, i deserve to express my feeling towards her tone.

It's quite annoying when someone doesnt want to hear your opinion, isnt it? You'd feel useless like you dont even need to be there. Infact, you couldnt even fight back, well because it'll only be shit in their eyes or their ears. They wouldnt give a damn cause they feel theyre the rightest one. And you're just another person who would rather choose to back off. 

i couldnt understand why she cant accept the truth that she's wrong. It's just a small topic yet it turns into a big arguments. The only problem for her is because i didnt understand the answers she gave on every questions i asked. So i asked more and more same questions in order to make myself understand. But the more i asked, the higher tone she answered. I felt like i was not appreciated and it killed me. i felt like i'm so dumb in her eyes. I felt like a big problem for her and those feelings are not giving you any good effects.

But as i said, i couldnt fight back. I love her so much and i dont want to have any problems between us. 

Ily, mom. 

xx

have you ever..?

heylooo

I was just thinking, have you ever suddenly realized how lonely you are because you have no one to talk with? It's not that i'm feeling that way nor the opposite, i was just thinking. Anyway, i must admit i've been through that part of life. For several times, actually. 

You see, not everyone will be interested to you, am i right? Not all of us are one of those pretty girls. But for me, pretty and beautiful has different meanings. And attractiveness too. Though sometimes pretty wins in most of the time, get it?

In the end, attractiveness will be hard to get. Unless you have pretty face, perfect body, unbelievable amazing hair, slightly rich, and the last but not least; good reputation. Yet have you ever wonder how are the people with the opposite of all of those? The other side.

Back to the first thing i'd like to write. Have you ever feel so lonely because you have no one to talk with? What i meant by 'talk' is; talking about those different stuffs, those beautiful boring topics, or those fun and interesting things- you know - like those kind of things.

Frankly, sometimes i dont need those kind of things (bullshit) (but true, sometimes). We will always have that one moment where we dont have to care about everything. But you know, life's unexpected tho. 

i'm not pretty sure why i wrote what you read, or even this. But that's surely what i was thinking for the moment. 

xx

wondering

heylo! It's nearly 2 o'clock and i'm not a sleep. 

I got a lot of things going on my mind. Somehow new ideas keep on popping up in my head. In a minute i'd like to do this and in a minute i'd like to do that. So many things i want to happen crashing on each other. Though it's still going on on my mind. None of what's swimming in  my head has actually happened. I guess that's why i'd really like for it to happen.

Having thousands of dreams is okay. Infact, it's SUPER ok. But have you ever feel that you just can't help it because none of your dreams has happened and you don't even know when will it happen or even, WILL it happen? I guess another time to wait.

However, dreams will be dreams unless you MAKE it happen. But the word 'make' is not as easy as how the word look like. What's also hard is finding a way to make it happen or even making a plan to make it happen. Depressing, frustrating, and stressing. BUT to reach an aim, you will have to take risks. And for a dream that you really wanted - that i really wanted - risks are sometimes worth it. never give up and always rise whenever you fall, is the only thing i gotta do whenever i fail. You would't be fully success and feel very grateful about it without experiencing failure. Failure is a part of the proccess of your success, am i right?

xx

Entahlah.

Entah. Entah mau sampe kapan.

Bingung. Bingung kenapa selalu begitu.

Capek. Capek banget ngadepin semua.

Dateng lagi deh problema yang sering gue hadapin. After a short phase of happiness in my life, here comes the destroyer. After a time of laughters, here comes the tears. Maybe my 'relaxing time' is going to end. Even my 'relaxing time' is actually  a 'not-so-relaxing-time'. Signs are starting to show; those mean, negative, judgemental looks are coming back. Coming back after a short happy time. 

Ngecoba buat netapin tuh happy face di muka susah wey. Gak gampang. Ngeyakinin orang orang klo kita itu gapapa sama ini itu, itu gak mudah. 

yaudahlah ya namanya juga hidup. Mungkin short phase itu hanya iklan. Semuanya akan kembali seperti seharusnya yang kadang kita gasuka.

ah apaansih sal, lu aja kali yg kegeeran.

xx

Ketika Mami bernostalgia (part 2)

heyloo

haha udah lama banget ya gak ngelanjutin ini?

jadi dengerin cerita mami tentang hubungan 7 tahun nya yg sama papi itu ada lucunya ada anehnya ada indahnya haha. Love in their time are clearly the most romantic kind of love. bisa diliat karna dulu tuh susah lah buat komunikasi satu sama lain. Masih surat suratan cinta gitulah, ngasih bunga yg beneran bunga lah ahaha banyak yang unik pokoknya.

Dulu papi katanya suka nyari nyari kesempatan. haha ya gimana, cowo. Katanya dulu pernah mami lagi duduk di sekitar lapangan bola dan papi yang harusnya main jadinya gak main cuman buat taliin tali sepatu. Dan taliinnya gak selesai selesai. rupanya di sengajain hahahahahah mantap trik nya. Katanya juga dulu mereka sering ke Sarinah (dulu mall paling berkelas) nge date gitu haha lucu.

But one thing that my mom knew that he's the one she'll love forever is because of course nobody sees my dad like how my mom did. Well of course when it comes to love people will see the others differently. and ZAP! they fell in love to each other and they agreed to get married and live their life together forever with me and my sisters.

thank you Allah for giving me the best parents that i could ever have, they've done so much and none of them are useless.

xx

kalau ada bantuan, kenapa engga?

haha udah lumayan lama gak ngepost.

ada beberapa orang yang ngerasa dirinya itu strong enough to face everything. Mau dikasih atau ditawarin, tetep aja dia stay sama pendiriannya sendiri. ada juga orang yang bener bener gamau dibantu. gamau dibantu sama sekali. maunya tuh sendiri. entah alesannya nanti hasilnya gak memuaskan atau gimana pokoknya maunya sendiri. Tapi ada juga jenis orang yg gengsi gitu buat nerima bantuan. satu hal yang gue gangerti adalah: kalo ada bantuan kenapa engga? toh orang yang menawarkan bantuan ith insyaallah ikhlas. Soalnya kan juga klo gak ikhlas ngapain nawarin? 

ada orang yg lg kesakitan dan situasi mereka itu emang lagi butuh bantuan tapi  pas ditawarin dia malah nolak. Alesannya biasanya Gakpapa. aduh plisdeh mbak/mas, lo lagi kesakitan butuh bantuan. Ini gue kasih msih gamau juga?  

Nah tapi, jangan lupa juga bilang "thank you". Penting lho. Bantuan? Ya garus digargain lah. How would you feel when you've done something great to a person but that person doesnt say thank you at all? think about it for a while.

xx

hmm, yakin tuh?

heylooo

jadi gini, orang tuh suka aneh ya. kita semua pasti pernahlah ngalamin those awful days when people just keep on abandoning us. Nah udh pernah kan baca postan ku yang ada unsur unsur dimana orang orang tuh bener bener gak peduli ama kita? atau ngejauhin kita. Nah, aku sadar ya rupanya how people act towards us is actually based on ourselves. Ada quote yg bilang "my attitude is based on how you treat me", nah i realized that many people are actually absorbing that quote and use it.

Bener sih. It's a world full of judgy people out there. somehow in their heads, you gotta be what they want you to be or how they want you to be, to be accepted among them or to fit in. if you are living in this kind of world and you feel like the situations bikinlo ngerasa gak nyaman karena mereka kayak benci samalo well itu semua harus diliat dr dirilo juga. kita sebagai manusia gabisa dong ngeliat dari satu sisi doang sedangkan di dunia ini ada thousands of different perspectives. beribu ribu sisi yg beda.

Jadi ya emang situasi tuh gak bakal selalu jadi seperti apa yang kita mau, dan gak akan selalu bikin kita nyaman. Yes, be who you are but see the situation. You cant dress like a hobo to a fancy party right? even though you dont care what they say.


xx

d u r i a n

pemilu! bismillah for my dad<3

sblm pemilu nih gue mampir dulu ke rumahnya adeknya almarhum kakek gue yg dari papi. rupanya udah disiapin dus dus isinya duren. I remember how i love durian so much till i am sick of it. dulu gue suka bgt deh yg namanya "durian" bisa tuh gue ngabisin semuanya. tapi gatau kenapa lama lama gue agak mual makan itu. Since that time, i dont eat durian that much. 

Durian itu dinobatkan menjadi "King of The Fruits" mungkin klo di kalangan buah, nama itu mama yg plg bergengsi kali ya. I heard that in japan, durian costs like Rp. 500.000! bersyukur deh belu durennya disini hahaha.

sekarang gue malah gasuka deh ama duren :/ tapi gue gak mual gimana gitu klo nyium baunya. nah disini, di rumahnya adeknya opa gue, i decided to try one..turns out..gue nyadar gue gasuka beneran so if someone asks, durian? I'll say Nah. 

Ketika mami bernostalgia (part 1)

heyloo

Gue baru aja nyampe di kota dimana orang tua ku bertemu, aka, Jember! unfortunately, udh malem jadi belom ngeliat keindahan nya. Mm mungkin bsk kali ya. 

Karena malem and we decided to eat first instead of going to the hotel rightaway. my mom took us to this old small restaurant atau orang jawa ngomongnya "Depot". nama restorannya sih ya "Depot Jawa Timur" haha. 

 

     (sorry for the bad quality of the pic)

I found out that "depot" ini udah lama bgt. Why? Because my mom suddenly said "dulu mami karna gak punya uang klo mau makan disini pesennya setengah. Kalau makan sama papi, setengahan sama papi". wow man, i just ate like one portion of rice and a chicken's wing. Which was enough for one person. ONE person only. Jadi bersyukur banget sekarang. Allah itu adil. i see how much Allah cares about my parents. 

so i heard what my mom said and imagining how it was. How my mom and my dad was when they were still "dating". mami ku and papi ku dated for like 7 years and they got married in August 1999, if i am not mistaken. in that 7 years they traveled almost around the world. Almost. Kalau dilihat mereka sih bukan tipe yg backpacker atau yg begitulah. They use suitcases. but they travel so it's kinda the same. 

They met here, in Jember. karena both of them berkuliah di salah satu universitas disini. Mami ambil jurusan Hubungan Internasional karna katanya dulu mau jadi diplomat. Papi ambil yang sama, Hubungan Internasional untuk S1, nah baru S2 nya ambil politik di UI. Dulu bisa dibilang mami lebih mampu lah ya jadi dulu mami sering beliin sepatu buat papi, sekarang dilihat coba? Semua yg mami punya dibeliin papi. Dibeliin papi tapi teteplah punya Allah~

Segitu dulu deh yaa xx

Penjelasan

heyloo

semuanyaaaaaaaaaaa gue kalo ngepost gak semuanya apa yang gue rasa atau alami yaa. i thought you guys should know that, cause i dont want people to take it wrongly. 

xx

is it really necessary?

Heyloo

Gue gasuka deh ketika punya sodara dan dia dengan seenaknya ngobrol with strangers. And in that conversation, dia ngejelasain almost every details of your family. Dari gue sekolahnya dimana, umurnya berapa, anak keberapa, ibunya kerja apa, ibunya lagi dimana, bapaknya kerja apa, and etc.

i mean, why? mau pamer karna your relatives is kinda success? bangga ya bangga aja. No need to show off dude. bisa aja orang yang lagi diceritain is a psychopath or i dont know someone's dangerous. kan serem. The point i just dont like it when people know my details. It creeps me out. Gue jadinya mikir yang engga engga. Takut brayy.

xx

Dear myself,

Somethingn amazing just crossed my mind! It is not exactly what i am feeling or what i've been through, but for me it's just amazing.

Here it goes..

Dear myself,

I can see that you are attracted to him. I can see that you actually liked him. Or even, love him. You cant lie to yourself cause i know the truth. Why? Because i am you, by that i am me, myself. you - I may lie to the others but it would be hard to act normal around him when you are now having a different feeling towards him. I dont know why your - my heart picked him neither. Somehow, it just did and that is actually..amazing, isnt it? 

I mean that is human nature. And that is life. Unexpected things will come. here, i just wanna say becareful. He might not be as good as it seems. He might not has the same feelings like your feelings to him. He might be different or...dangerous. I know that people say that different is good, but what if this one's not? anyway stop. You - I have to think positive. dont be too....naive. Be cool, relax. everything would be alright. I dont want you - me to be hurt anymore. You - i knew how it feels right. So just, becareful but at the same time, enjoy. God has planned the best.

Isnt that just...you when you're in love? Damn i'm amazed of myself when i had that thought. Not to be arrogance, but that's a good one. Anyways, it's kinda late sooo goodnight xx

But hey, it's raining outside.

heyloo

wanting to be admitted by the world is hard, isnt it? i mean you do know that you're just one of the other billion people who are trying hard to fit in. a wallflower? probably. but hey, even a wallflower could surprise people. let's not say the world. your crush? hm that's tough. especially when you're in love with that "kind" of guy. that "kind" of guy means the guy that dont give a shit on everything. including you. but anyways, time will answer. You'll need to try too if you really want it. well because a nothing could happen if you never try. but if it's just something that you'll put a side, then you better focus on what's important. more important.

the world is actually small, you are actually meeting the same people without realizing. and remember, you're just one of the other billions.


dont know what to post but this. Just to make it straight not all of my posts are something that i experienced, my posts are also something that i wanna talk about or that is stuck in my mind. so dont get it wrong, thanks.

xx

all my tears have been used up.

One of the cruelest thing in the world is when people just cannot stop ruining your life. you just cry and cry and cry, thinking this is how your life is going to be forever. losing hopes, lost, empty. And when you cried too much, it's like all your tears have been used up. till it left none to the other. and you're dead. your feelings are dead, your smile is dead, your happiness is dead. some people are actually usual to this. whether it is because they face this every time till it get too much and they just surrender, or they are, usual about this.

You knew there are people who actually cares. who actually wanted to help you. but somehow they just stand there watching like nothing has ever happen. you cant scream cause it wont work. they care, but they are afraid. they are ashamed on helping you, aren't they? selfish. selfish people. all they think about is only about their selves. no other but them. 

You knew that you could actually stand up from this. but it's hard. it's like you are meant for this. it's like you are suppose to stick with that. This kind of thing kept you up all night. tears keep on running down till you feel you're running out of tears. alone, nobody was there. all you can think is that why does people leave you so easily? how did they do that? how come it is so easy for them? is there something that they don't like it from me? then you realize, whether you'll cry or you'll keep on asking questions, nobody is there to care..they are all heartless. 

love

we all fall in love. And surely,we all fell in love. In the past, future, or even now. Falling in love is a basic human nature. obviously. people say, some people are afraid of falling in love. The fact is that they aren't actually afraid of falling in love. They're just afraid of not being loved back. Being loved back is probably a hard thing to accept. but why wasting on something that is completely not for you? if what you want doesn't happen, then there must be something better that will happen to you. And maybe, it will be something beyond better. Patience.

anyways, sometimes we don't even realize that we fell in love. it's like; and BANG you're in love. and sometimes when we love too much, we forgot how did we actually fell in love. Falling in love? equal to thousands of feelings. Falling in love? do you mean by the butterflies in your stomach? do you mean by distracted? do you mean by cant sleep at night? do you mean by standing quietly alone just with the thoughts in your head? yes, falling in love is when you cannot explain what you're feeling. in fact why would we explain it? we feel it. falling in love costs big. costs much. costs everything. it force you to decide. but it brings happiness. it gives you a feeling that you never felt before. it's like happiness hits you like a train hits a wall. a thick thick wall. it's like being hit by a bus but you really like the feeling. it's wonderful. even though sometimes it may be hurtful, yet people cant get over it. it will happen every time. steps by steps. whether it is going to be slowly or fast. it will happen.

like i said, falling in love costs many things. costs every thing. it gives you heartbreaks, joy, tears, and smiles. Us, we need to be ready. for how love will come. Don't find love, let love finds you. let it breaks into your deepest layer of your heart and let yourself feel it. Heartbreaks are a usual thing. sometimes different person, same story. Same person, different story. When you fall in love, don't hide. don't lie to yourself. just accept, admit it to yourself. And when you didn't get what you wanted to or what you expected to, do not worry. It means that something better will happen. something better. do not be frustrated of love. like i said, it will come. patience is what you need. 

but before you fall in love to a person. don't forget to be in love with yourself first. how are people suppose to accept you when you are not accepting yourself? you are an important thing. you are important to someone out there.  

so yeah, i guess that's all that i can say. i know i haven't post a lot, but here it is. another creation of words by me. for the closing :

xx

night post: abandonement&lonliness

So in this student exchange program i get a chance to learn in the school in melbourne. And in English we learn the theme "Abandonement and Loneliness". 

Abandonement huh? wow that word is deep. And Loneliness? i kinda feel that a lot. Not saying i got no family or friends. But i feel that every night. Not saying i'm expecting for someobe to text me. Infact i almost cry every night. 

The tears are now almost running down. thinking about how people blame me and take me as a bad person in almost every thing. How people judge me in everything i say and i do. I know that you would probably think that this kind of thing is boring or usual. But if you feel this way, it kills you very slowly. 

sometimes i ask myself, why do i always have to be the one who do the bad things and people gives sympathy to the victim of what i did? and i feel like people lie to me. They lie to me when i ask them of their feelings on me. they tell what's not right instead of the truth.

i'm sorry everyone. Sorry. But please dont kill me this way. I know it is wrong. But you and i are human beings. We did mistakes, didnt we? dont lie to me it will only make it worse. Say the truth, please. Dont quip me. dont judge before knowing the truth behind it. please.

night post: please.

        

Heyloo

yaampun tiap malem sebelum tidur gue cuman bisa ngebayangin punya orang yang kangen ama kita. I know that i got my family who are missing me, but not particular friend. Seneng lho padahal ngeliat yang lain ada temen atau siapalah yang ngangenin. Tapi setiap kali ngeliat itu rasanya juga kayak disentuh langsung lemes.

dont know why i'm feeling i need one. kok kesannya kayak gue lonely banget deh. i miss people but i'm not sure do they miss me or not. i need some kind of people but i'm not sure do they need me or not. 

   

bisa dibilang aku iri setiap kali ngeliat orang yang punya orang yang kayak gitu.  I want someone to chat me and tell me how much they miss me too. Tapi bukan iri yang buruk gitu lah. Cuman pengen juga aja. Please just let me have one. let me. make someone come to me.  Someone that i am comfortable with. someone that is right for me. tapi ya mungkin belom aja.

   

just if i have one. Iya post ini emang similar sama post sebelum sebelumnya. Ya mungkin karena that's what i'm feeling and that's what i keep thinking of. still in melbourne so, it is kinda related haha.

     

xx

Oh! Darling

     "oh! Darling, please believe me.."

                                     -the beatles-

    

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

                              xx

Night post: i want

heylooo this is salsa reporting from melbourne! yap i'm in melbourne for a program called "student exchange" and it's been great here. Freezing actually, freezing. but now i'm not gonna talk about my trip, cause it's gonna be post when i'm home :)

iyaa jadi sekarang i will talk about what i want lately. these last days i've seen people enjoying their life with the one who care of them and with the one they love. I'm not saying that no one cares about me (i dont really know do people actually care about me, but i guess some of them do). What i'm going to talk about is how people enjoy their life with the ones who care of them, and i really want that for me.

so yeah, seing my friend's best friend called her all the way from indonesia to melbourne via skype made me feel i dont know, it's hard to explain. it's actually nice to see someone that has someone who really care and worried and really wanna know how is she doing. i'm happy for her, because she could have one. But in the other side, i really want to have one too. That's why i said "it's really nice to have a real best friend like that"

i do have one, my mom. But this one's a different case, get it? Haha. So yeah, i dont really have real best friends, i have real friends but not best friends. I used to have one but i dont know what happened it stopped just like that, it was quite hurtful and sad but life goes on. And always remember that the Devil was once an Angel. Exactly. 

but on second thought, i dont really need best friends. Sonetimes i think that wat. You know why? Because i have a bunch of real friends. REAL friends. And they are very nice, very very nice. i'm so glad that i could have one already. 

that's what i really wanna share, i know i havent posted any post that much. I have been so busy on this student exchange program, infact i'm kinda nervous getting into the new environment, school, and situation. It feels awkward. But anyway, life goes on! 

                                              

Seadanya aja.

Sering banget ngeliat orang yang ngeluh sana sini. yang ngebiarin satu hal ngancurin harinya. mungkin klo orang pikir aku gitu kali ya orangnya, tapi aku gatau isi hati orang jadi yasudahlaahh. kali ini mau ngomongin itu. 

Seadanya aja. Do you ever feel everything seems wrong to you? or do you ever feel you seems wrong to everyone? salah kalo kita malah ngeluh sana sini without any effort on avoiding or stoping it. Yang pasti gasuka kan klo ngalamin hal itu? we better try or just let it be and let it flow than speaks a thousand worthless words. 

Ada saatnya dimana kita bakal jatuh dan justru harus bangkit. kayak gitu normal kok, wajar. Mungkin klo 'teenagers' jaman sekarang lebih suka curhat to people they feel comfortable with. ya people are different. ada yang lebih suka sendiri, terbuka, atau mendem. or even forget and move on. 

ternyata kalo pendapat Rae Smith falling apart is actually an opportunity. Ya bener sih. It could be a lesson from God. It could be a warning of how bad you've been. But the choices are in our hands, whether you want to give up or you want to try, again. Gak salah kan klo nyoba lagi? enggak. Doesn't matter if no one notice, like my previous post; they'll notice at the end. even though yes, we wont like it when no one realize you're trying to be better, but don't waste your time on being silent. it's better to start to do something, to change something.

mungkin post ini pasaran banget ya topiknya, tapi kalo dilihat masih banyak yang give up in the middle of their journey. Kita cuman harus nyoba dan ya terima seadanya aja. 

thank you for reading :)

Night Post: craving for attention

everyone needs an attention, am i right? for some people, they cannot live without one. Dan kadang perhatian itu susah di dapet. entah orgnya emg cuek atau orangnya emang gamau ngsh perhatian nya. yang nyesek lagi kalo udah susah payah tapi tetep aja diabaikan. atau klo lo udh nge'kode' tp orgnya gangerti. hmmm, gak semua "nyari perhatian" itu ke cowo. tergantung niat sih sebenernya, bisa aja nge-"caper" atau nge-"kode" ke ortu buat minta sesuatu, ya gak?

Now, there are names for those people who needs attention. They call it "attention seeker" or "caper" in indonesia. ya itu sih buat yg sering nyari perhatian di dpn cowo. Tapi kita semua setuju kalo nyari perhatian ke siapa aja dan tetep gak dikasih tuh yang namanya 'perhatian' itu pasti greget abis.

we fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection

the problem is that some people are too mean to look to give a small attention to those who needs attention. I mean, to the one who really really needs an attention. sampe sampe orang itu bener bener cuek, bener bener gak peduli, bener bener sombong. pada akhirnya, if they are the one who needs attention, no one there will give one. probably, you call it "KARMA"

these kind of things are usual. It happens anywhere, anytime. But not getting enough attentions could gives a great impact. And mostly the impacts are bad, are not good. Well, to know the impacts, see yourself. What happen to you when you're not getting enough attention? me, i overthink. I hoped. I wished. I pray. I cry at night. And somehow, my brain keeps working, keeps thinking. and at the end i realized it's not worth it. 

Sebenernya gak apa apa kalo kita gak dapet perhatian yang banyak. Bagusnya, kita bisa lebih fokus sama diri kita sendiri, dan sama tujuan kita. Liat aja entar kalo kita berhasil, eveyone will finally gives you their attention. 

Night Post: Kenapa harus dengki?

Kita semua pasti pernahlah ngerasain satu kata yang dalem banget, a.k.a "Dengki". Dengki, dari katanya aja udah keliatan serem. bagiku kesannya dalem. I did a research and i found out that Dengki itu berharap hilangnya kenikmatan dari orang lain. Ngeri ya? Kalo udah ditanem dihati, that's a dangerous thing. Itu kayak penyakit. Once it stucks there in your heart, it will be hard to take it off. Kita juga bakal kebiasaan lama2. Kita bakal ngebiarin penyakit itu tumbuh aja di dalem diri kita. We'll be a monster if we let it grow inside.

Dengki gak akan pernah ngebawa yang namanya kebaikan. yang ada juga saling benci, fitnah, and other bad things. can you imagine how the world would be if people hates each other? gaada deh yang namanya persatuan. gaada yang namanya respecting. gaada yang namanya appreciating. none. Dengki juga ya ngebikin kita ngetreat people differently. Read my previous post about treating people differently. Gaenak kan diperlakuin atau dihadepin berbeda dengan yang lain? bayangin kalo si A baik ke si B, senyum ke si C, nyaut ke si D, dan nanggepin si E tp gak ke kamu. gak nyaut ke kamu. mungkin ngobrol tapi gak sama atau gak seceria ke si B,C,D atau E. rasanya semua yang ada di dalam tubuh itu lemes. bisa dibilang mati rasa. lemes langsung gitu. Dengki juga ngebawa egoism. Berhubungan sama yang tadi. Kita bertingkah tanpa tau dampaknya ke yang lain, ke yang tersinggung atau tersindir. Misalnya kita mau mengingatkan dengan cara menyindir. Oke, nyindir ada baiknya. Semua bisa dapet pelajaran.

Tapi apa rasa orang yang disindir? ya itu langsung lemes. Itu semua ngebikin kita ngerasa sendiri, ngerasa left, ngerasa diabaikan, ngerasa kayak sebatang kertas yang terbang terbang di udara, trs nempel di jalanan, kelindes mobil atau kecampur ama sampah. rasanya pengen nangis tapi malu karena udah gede. pengen nangis, pengen teriak. Tapi ya jadinya cuman diem karena kita gabisa tiba tiba kayak gitu di depan umum. Smiling outside, screaming inside.

Dan kadang, ketika lagi ngerasain tuh yang namanya itu semua kita cuman bisa diem dan nerima. cuman bisa let it flow and let it be, ya emang kita cuman harus terima apa adanya. kita cuman bisa...

From all of these, i can see and realize that the people you think are the nicest can actually be the meanest. Yang jelas, kita gak tau isi hati orang. kita gak tahu isi hati orang yan paling dalem. Kita gak tahu apa mereka dengki ama kita atau gimana. Mangkanya, i realized that we also have to be careful on everything, on what we do, or even on being ourselves.

maksud aku baik kok, hanya berbicara saja.
night everyone :)

Treated Differently

Pernah gak sih di perlakukan berbeda? dont you feel unfair when you are treated that way? 

aku pernah denger quote;

"When you do something noble no one sees you, but when you do something harmful everyone turns their faces on you"

itu emang bener. Sometimes, people ngeperlakuin kita dengan cara yang berbeda dari yang lain hanya karena satu masalah. Aku bingung kenapa, apa karena people feel hard on moving on? on forgiving? on forgetting? i mean, masa lalu ya masa lalu kan? kita hanya bisa kembali kalau ada mesinnya. Unfortunately, there is no time machine so we obviously cant. Sometimes, people cuman bisa ngeliat dan langsung ngenilai kita dari kesalahan yang kita bikin. Dan kadang mereka gabisa ngeliat kebaikan seseorang disisi lain. what's going on to their eyes? whats going on to their mindset? dan dengan sekejap mereka ninggalin kita begitu aja. Only the good ones will stay. will stay and gives you another chance. because they trust you. tapi, kita juga harus bisa ngebangun kepercayaan satu sama lain. we gotta be a trustworthy kind of person. Karena kepercayaan itu sekarang susah untuk didapatkan. Kalau kepercayaan itu dijual, harganya pasti bikin mangap. It must be super expensive. But you know, hidup itu emang gak sepenuhnya bakal mudah. Pasti kita pernahlah ngerasain yang namanya seperti itu. 

"I dont like being treated differently by someone who claims to care.."

You cannot let one problem ruins a friendship. and that is why you cannot let one problem makes you act differently to a person. because if you wanna be a good person then be fair. and that is not a fair thing. Kalau dilihat kan aneh when you smile and laugh and treat the person A nicely, but different with the person B. Besides, kita juga gak bisa dengki selamanya. But if we act nice but we actually hate that person is also wrong. That's the same thing as faking. I suggest, kita lebih baik ngelurusin masalah. Masalah juga jangan dibiarin begitu aja. Masalah yang gak diselesein dari awal bakal ngehantuin hidup kita. Do you wanna die with unsolved problems? do you? obviously not. so yea, harus dong menyelesaikan masalah. Lagipula menyelesaikan masalah gives good and positive impacts to the people around. No more hates, dislikes, faking or awkward situations and things like that.

I am sure that God has unexpected plans for us. And those plans are the best.

Night post: In black and white

It's beautiful, isn't it? somehow, when you look at it there are so many stories that come up in your mind. Somehow. Maybe that's because a photograph can tell you so much. Because a photograph tells UNexplainable feelings, stories, or even mysteries. This photograph shows love, loyal, caring and i don't know what do you think? it tells so many things. I am honestly touched after seeing this photograph. It reminds me of my parents. especially my dad. Well, like i said a photograph can tell so much. Even we can made up our own story after seeing a photograph

What came up in my mind when i saw this was, it is just so damn beautiful. Look how big the lion is. And when they lower their heads to each other, it's very loyal. If i was asked to make a dialogue between this lion and lioness it would probably be

"I'll be back soon, give no worry, i'll be back, hold your tears, i'll be back. i will never forget about you, all the great times we had and all the memories. i'll be back. You will always be in my mind, in my heart. i'll be back." -lion

"And i'll wait, even though i hate to watch you fading away, even though i hate to wake up and realizing you're not there, even though i hate to know that i must wait, and even though i hate to spend my days alone, here without you. but i'll wait. i'll wait for you. because i know you will come back. i'll wait" -lioness

"goodbye" -lion

"goodbye" -lioness

cliche, i know. But "goodbye" is the first thing that came up in my mind. Sad. Well, whenever you start a "Hi" there would be a "goodbye". and that always happen. always. That's the cycle of social life. That's what happen all the time. Maybe you're saying hello to people now but you don't know that the others are probably saying goodbye. and maybe when you're saying goodbye to people the others are saying hello. That is actually fair. That is fairness. Your life is fair. Everything's fair. God is fair.

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.” 

―Tim McGraw

goodnight everyone, forget yesterday and be ready for tomorrow.

seek life a little bit closer

life needs an inspiration. You need an inspiration to live. You need an inspiration to be you. And you will need to find it. Catch it and stick it in your mind.

Life needs a motivator. You need a motivator. Could be someone. Someone who always reminds you of the purpose of life. Of your goal. Someone who could help you reach your dreams. It could be you.  You could be that 'someone' to yourself.

Life needs an alarm. An alarm to wake you up. To wake you up to start your life. To wake you up to start a new page. To wake you up to enjoy today. To wake you up to seek something new, to try something new, to explore something you have never explore before.

Life needs a chance. A chance to live. A chance to love. A chance to enjoy. A chance to laugh. But that chance will only happen if God allow it to happen. And it will only happen if you want it to happen. If you work hard for that once in a life time chance. And there are a lots of choices of closed doors of chances that are waiting to be opened by you. You just gotta open one and step in. And if God allows, you can open even more.

Life needs love. You need love. Everyone need love. Everyone wants to be loved. Live is a natural feeling. Love is a natural thing. We experienced it. Whether it's real or not but yeah we experienced it. And you cant deny love. You cant lie to tour own feelings. You cant lie to tour own heart. You cant lie to yourself. But dont be afraid of love, loving or to be loved. It's not scary. It wont be complicated if you dont make it complicated, if you just enjoy and take it easy. to love you'll need to accept and face the flaws. You'll need to pass what will or should happen. And remember, they say "it is all God's will." Love is not hard to find. It's there in front of you, in front of your eyes. If you cant see it, if you cant feel it. Then you're not ready for it. Then you're still afraid of it.
Why do you need love in your life? maybe you're asking why is it that important? Well this is why

percaya?

Susah ya bikin orang percaya kalo kesalahan kita itu gak sepenuhnya gara2 kita. Kepercayaan itu gampang disebut tp susah digapai. dan kesalahan itu gampang di lakukan susah ditutupi. bingung aja sama orang yang menilai dari kesalahan kesalahan atau dari sisi negatif seseorang. I mean why not spare a time to see the person's kindness? The other side that no one knows? the other side that you never see? because there are another great thing beyond mistake.

bingung juga cara ngebikin orang percaya klo itu bukan kesalahan kita. susah bikin orang percaya klo kita justru ngecoba untuk menghindari yang buruk. kadang waktu juga gak mendukung. But i dont want to blame the time. karena waktu emang akan terjadi dan berlalu no matter what. i've been asking my self, what is happening to me? kenapa semua ini terjadi? why does everything i do turns bad? Kenapa aku? Why am i the one who is chosen for this? 

Questions are questions until it has its answer. dan aku belum menemukan jawaban yang paling tepat. only thr words; "everything happen for a reason" then what is the reason? "that is God's will".

I cant fight God's will. what has happened has happened. And what will happen will happen. I just got to wait and enjoy. Because God's decisions are the best. I know that this will pass. I k ow that this wont last. I know that this would end. Tapi rasa yang aku rasain itu rasanya bikin menderita dan bikin kalau keliatannya ini bakal lama. Dan bakal diingat orang. secara, aku gamau. Aku gamau ngerasain kesalahan yang gak disengaja. A mistake that i have never intented to do it. aku masih muda,aku tau. Bisa dibilang masih kecil. But as time goes by i'm growing up and i'm starting to know whch one's wrong or which one's right. dan aku tau itu salah. that is why i have no intent to do it.

Buat apa aku ngelakuin yang buruk untuk aku juga? Aku ngerti. I get it. I'm starting to realize things. But people are the one who cannot see it. Who doesnt realize it. jadi kalau ditanya mana yang salah? yang mana?

Sometimes i dont really give a damn on what people think. God is the only one who knows the truth. but the feeling i have now is killing me.

if i have an ocean of my own, i am drowning inside it.

Night post: No title.

it's been a while isnt it? It's been a while since my last post. It's been a while in my life too. It's been a while since i got nothing to worry about. The problem is now i have so many things to be worry. I dont wish to be a kid. I dont wish to be a kid who doesnt give a damn on things. I dont want to. But it's been a while since i got nothing to worry about.

i'm worry of my parents. Worry of my sisters. Worry of my family, friends, or even teachers. But mostly, Worry about myself. I'm worry about how i am now. I'm worry that people dont like it. I'm worry that teachers will talk about me. I'm worry that my parents will be worry about me. i'm worry about myself. About me. Myself.

I dont want to make people burdened by me. But i dont want to make people feel pity of me. no, i'm not an attention seeker. I dont ask for attentions. in fact, i dont know what i want to ask for. I guess all i want from God is a glory life and die in a good way.

i'm trying to be grateful. I am grateful for everything i have. cause i know people of the half of this world are not having what i am having right now. i try to be respectful. i really am trying. I just hope that people undertand and realize that i am actually trying to respect them, that i am actually respecting them. Whether it is with my way or the way that they used to see. I try to be nice. I try to smile and hold my anger. i'm not angry. To the world nor people. No i'm not. i dont want to be angry anymore, it's tiring. It will only sucks your energy on bullshits. I try to be better, obviously. But the most important point is that i am trying to make it all happen. I am trying so hard to make that happen, to make people realize, to make people see. but i guess it wont be like how i expected. it's not easy. People has different perspective and i get that.
It's hard but not impossible.

Admit it, Accepting and facing what's around you is hard. it keeps you thinking. It keeps me thinking. It keeps me wondering before i go to sleep. It keeps me wide awake to figure out solutions. It makes me feel guilty of what i did. it makes me feel afraid that one move i make could ruin everything. Maybe i am that clumsy. But i dont want to be clumsy. nothing's perfect, nobody's perfect. But is it wrong to try to be almost perfect? I dont think it's wrong. And again, It's just hard but not impossible.

i dont want to have problems with people or even myself in my life. I'm sure that's possible. I want my problems to be straight. To be solved. Not unsolved. And again, it's just hard but not impossible.

i always forgive people every night. i always try to. all i hope is that people will Also forgive me. forgive all my mistakes and put a side the bad memos with me and replace it with a beautiful one. I remember my mom keeps reminding me of "whenever people di bad things for you, ignore them and always reply them with kindness and never stop helping or do good things with them"
and again it's just hard but not impossible.

am i afraid? i dont know. I'm still wondering. Mmm you tell me. but wait, i dont think so. i'm strong. I know i am. i mean i am. yes, yes i am strong. And i will always be.

And again, it's just hard but not impossible.